dear diary…

…it’s been a hot minute since last we spoke, so forgive me if i take a moment to change and settle into my pleated, high fastening blogger pants while i get on down to brass tacks. now as i’m sure all you avid readers have noticed, i’ve been trying some new and controversial methods of blogging the past few entries to boost ratings and draw new readers. obviously its been working considering the obscene plethora of fan mail that’s currently taking over my poor secretary’s desk. and as flattered as i am, i’m more appalled by the fatuous impracticality of my readers expressing their adoration via the postal service when there are perfectly usable comment fields below in which to gush. kids these days.
i believe its also safe to assume that some of you may have noticed that here we find ourselves in the latter half of october and our journey has not yet adjourned. “beggin’ your pardon, governor, but according to your increasingly inaccurate itinerary, you were to return to these united states october the 3rd.” well poindexter, be that as it may, overseas we remain. if i had to pinpoint exactly what happened, i’d say it was probably a combination of us canceling our return ticket with not wanting to repack our bags. it happens to the best of us. no, friends, our travel bug not yet been squished and i cannot, at this point, give an official return date for your beloved blogger bums. but what i can offer you in only partially insincere consolation is an ameliorated itinerary to be posted a later time.
anyweezy, if you’ll indulge me, i’d like take this opportunity to explore the exciting field of what i will call photo journalism, for lack of a better word or any formal knowledge on the subject.
now who wants to see some animal pictures?

044

this is mikey. he’s the stripey one. somehow, he’s a friendly tiger and is down with being stroked on. we met him in a bar in chiang mai, had a few drinks, one thing led to another and we wound up back at his tiger sanctuary. i don’t exactly remember how we got there, but i’m going to attribute that the hefty dose of benadryl i downed for my severe cat allergies. note: he did not appreciate any of my frosted flakes jokes.

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after the ggrrrrrreat time mikey showed us, we decided to step it up a notch and sojourned to an elephant nature park where we stayed for two days feeding, bathing, learning about and playing with rescued elephants. unfortunately i cannot remember the names of the two beautiful ladies with whom we are pictured. i can tell you that washing an elephant is the bee’s knees. i suggest you try it.

013

this picture can be described as nothing else but a cow with a fucked up face. the only way i would alter that sentence is by adding the word “severely” after “a” and before “fucked”. we encountered this this beastly bovine on a three hour motorbike trip through pai, a crunchy, yet truly beautiful little mountain town several hours north of chiang mai. we were on the way to lod cave to watch the nightly migration of hundreds of thousands of birds flying into the cave as hundreds of thousands of bats flew out in a beautiful and horrifying dance of the wild. i feel bad for the little lady, but i seriously cannot hold it together when i look at this cow. we actually stopped, turned around and drove back just to eternalize her horrid disfigurement on the Prime Directive for your enjoyment. shame on you.

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the park that was home to the bird/bat cave also boasted comely caverns with some really impressive rock formations that all look like penises. peep this penile pair, yo.

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several cuts, scrapes, bruises and a second degree burn later we pulled our motorbikes back into pai for some sticky rice and papaya salad. for those of you not privy to sticky rice, its name describes it quite astutely. both sticky and rice, it goes with anything from mango to spiced beef and the best part is that you eat it with your hands. personally i’ve always found my digits to be a bit cumbersome and i delight in the lack of utensils. the only downside to consider is that if you’re eating a lot of rice and also taking anti-biotics for whatever various tropical diseases you’ve found yourself with, you may experience hardening of the stool or difficulty with deification. that is to say you can’t blast a duke to save your granny. which brings me to our next photo.

WhyColonic
yes. on a not so anonymous tip from my informant (we’ll call her j. winny-cooper for the purposes of this blahg) we found ourselves in a fancy shmancy detoxification center signing waivers for them to insert hoses into our rectums and flush away our sins like the river jordan. imagine the best dump you’ve ever taken in your life. now multiply that times ten. twenty-five liters of saline later and i felt like a new man walking out of that place. cha cha cha. 🙂 time to head back to bangkok.

029

this lil hustla will give you a hug and a kiss and tell you she loves you before she asks you for money. not a bad con, if you ask me. and not an uncommon flimflam in the western part of the world, either. but this adorable little urchin was far from the most annoying of the horrible hawkers. if you would be so good as to kindly direct your attention to the following photo, i’ll tell you a little bit about the frog ladies.

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this pestiferous little troll is one of an epidemic of 50 to 70 other similarly garbed, red-toothed, bracelet-totting, sleeve-pulling little creatures who nettle the shit out of you with their chirping, teak-wood frog figurines. they have no problem interrupting anything at all you might be doing at any given moment to present you with a stupid wooden frog. as you can see megan felt compelled to purchase one.

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but wooden frogs aren’t the only treasure to uncover on khao san road. feeling a might peckish? why not grab some sweet coon? mmmm…sweet coon.

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and while you’re enjoying your scrumptious spoonfuls of sweet coon, why not watch the douche bags getting fake dreadlocks extensions weaved into their hair. yes, for reasons i cannot possibly begin to fathom, there are real people whose judgment is so severely impaired that they actually do this. these two goobers really makes my flesh crawl.

044

even frog ladies need to take five every now and again. if we’re really quiet maybe we’ll hear them chirp. “bud” “wise” “er” 

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 here we have a beautiful view of the grand palace. constructed in 1782, during the reign of king rama the first, it has served as the official residence of the kings of thailand from the 18th century onwards. the palace has been constantly expanded and many additional structures have been added over time. the more you know. 

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 reading this sign, i was relieved to find out that if my ass exploded, i would proceed to the left.

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and finally here’s one more elephant picture simply for posterity. 
tune in next time for special guest blogger: the Great White Hunter.
holler back, y’all.

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11 Responses to “dear diary…”

  1. love you and i want you to come home now. i don’t want to be a 1oo years old before i see you and megan. i will even put up with your horrible beard. love you to pieces and i loved your post card. i read it every day. love grandma ruth

  2. PoppaSteve Says:

    I want a frog and a non allergic tiger.

    How’s the tootsie, Maxie?

    Love and kisses to my two favorite wanderers!

    Dad

  3. Hot business guys, I especially like colonic clip with moving fluids and explosive water-poo.

  4. Alex, what is the glue holding you in the East?
    Good luck from
    J.J.

  5. I am so insanely jelous of you guys! I know that this is my first correspondence in your many travels (which I greatly regret). But I look forward to this blog more than I do my monthly Nylon, which is saying a lot. You are both severly missed and wanted home asap, but there I do not question your judgement in your decision to continue with your travels. Soak up this beautiful world of ours before the good ‘ol USof A ropes you back in!

    SO MUCH LOVE!!

    Lindsay

  6. caroline c Says:

    Long time no see talk whatever! Alex I love your updates and keep doing what you are doing…even the colonic thing. Well maybe not that right away. But you both seem to be having a wonderful time. If and when you make it back to the states if you are ever in Richmond, VA you better give me a ring!

  7. down in penis rock.

  8. i think that deformed cow was my hebrew teacher at JDS.

    “hundreds of thousands of bats flew out in a beautiful and horrifying dance of the wild” –> very temple of doomy

    you are missing an excellent season of south park.

    you are missed.

  9. I read it! Good post. Looking forward to the post-return closer, pukey. Your hat will be on its way shortly. xoxo

  10. wheeeeere arrrrrre you? are you going to be home for x-mas? I’m bringing Bob with me to Louisville for the 21st-25th. We could bowl if you are going to back. I’m sure you miss bowling a lot. It’s probably one of your top reasons for coming back to America, I’d guess.

  11. you are so lucky you have a girl with you otherwise people would treat you like the scum of the earth

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