Lucy in Seattle with Diamonds

after a stupendously relaxing beach vacay, i always find it’s nice to microbus it back to the hustle and bustle of middle-eastern city life to really get my blood pumpin’ again. and what better way to columbine my clogged arteries than to almost miss our flight to ethiopia due to the amazingly infallible worldwide phenomenon of airport bureaucracy? seriously though, if you’re the type of person that enjoys stress and anxiety, then you should consider hanging out in random lines in airports more often. for those of you who would rather enjoy, oh, ice cream cake or a good BM (not necessarily in that order), well then you’re more on my page. anyway, my constipated confection cravers, allow me to skip briefly ahead to the part where miss helton and i are walking out of the airport into the surprisingly cool-breezy and shockingly serene ethiopian countryside. it was here that occurred my first (of many to come) episodic culture-shock slap to the face. it was so damn quiet. “too quiet” i thought to myself in a dubious film noir inner-monologue. what was wrong? sure, the airport is a ways from addis ababba, the main city, but why had i been silenced by the silent silence? was it that i had grown so accustomed to the yelling and carryings-on of an arab nation that this sudden tranquility left me intensely befuddled? had i begun to take such comfort in the constant hassle and familiar harassment that was venturing down an egyptian sidewalk? was it perhaps something i had eaten on the plane? i was able to determine with some certainty that the answer to my query was  D) all of the above. even as we left egypt, bothersome, brown-bearded men were up in our proverbial grill yelling “TAXI TAXI TAXI” to the point where it took serious restraint not to knee them in the falafels. and here we were and nobody even cared. it was too much for me to comprehend and i found myself feeling faint. megan hailed us a cab with minimal effort and we were off to the town square to plop down under the giant television structure where claudio, our couchsurfing host, had instructed us to wait for his butler.

yes, apparently we were to stay with a gentleman who lived in such a home as to necessitate a butler. oh goody! but after twenty-five sweat-stained, sticky-ass minutes, it was not a white-gloved, bow-tied britt, but a pair of distinctly differently sized young couch surfers that welcomed us to addis. (enter the 6”5 irishman cyclist and the petit new york jew.) only one pathetically, piss-poor pick-pocketing attempt was enjoyed on the short walk to claudio’s compound, but it was quickly thwarted by a high kick to the assailant’s head region. initially, i merely misinterpreted the locals’ saucy behavior as friendly friskiness, but it became abruptly clear that the diminutive native repeatedly slapping my ass was not simply being fresh with me, but trying very ineffectively to procure my wallet. playful smartass that i am, i began walloping his backside in ridiculous ridicule. whether it was being the butt of a joke, the rodgering I gave his buttocks or collin’s enormous irish leg nearly ending him, I’ll never know, but he took off like a bat out of hell never to be seen again in this blahg post.

not much sooner had we put our bags down and sprawled out on the queen sized bed that had been kindly provided for us, we found out that dear Lucy, the missing link, one of the most famous and major displays in the ethiopian history museum— not to mention our main reason for extending or layover in addis ababba to a four day stop-over— was, at that time, on tour…in seattle… well, shit. do not picture yourself on a boat on a river with tangerine trees and marmalade skies. do not pass go and do not collect 200 dollars. sorry, brah, no lucy for you. can’t win ‘em all. 😉

but i don’t need some old-ass monkey bitch with only 28% of a half skeleton who may or may not have been the missing link in our evolutionary development as a people to enjoy myself, no siree bob, i do not. i had a delightful time at the ethnology museum, admiring the downtown area, finding my way through what was supposedly the largest market place in all of africa (though, not unlike tarantula semen, I find that rather had to swallow), mastering the public transit system, admiring one of the most beautiful lakes I’ve ever seen while simultaneously being horrified by the single ugliest fucking duck i have ever had the displeasure of gazing upon, chewing chat leaves while getting to know claudio and his friends despite obvious culture and language barriers and, lastly, all the district of columbia transplants i somehow ran into in the course of 3 and a half days. honestly, they should call DC little ethiopia at this point. i literally met 6 people not just from DC, but from my actual neighborhood while in ethiopia; all ethiopian (surprise) and all independently of one another. i was aware of the increasingly large ethopian population in the district, but talk about a small world!

but like a chocolate midget, our journey in addis was short, sweet, slightly creepy and far from politically correct. it was wonderful but we had places to be and people to bother. so i write to you now, dedicated readers whom I treasure so, from the desk of isac “ari” jacobovits, whose somnambulistic reverberations are keeping me awake enough so as to write this very entry. we’ve been in kenya for about 5 days now and it is as spectacularly gorgeous as it is (if i may borrow an adjective from my respected contemporary and peer, homer simpson) ‘groin-grabbingly’ thrilling to be here. i’ll do my best to just mention a few highlights as i know this post is getting long, and I appreciate that the human attention span is as fleeting as a slice of cheese cake or a pair of cheap sunglasses. we’ve snorkeled, picked mangos, enjoyed our own private beach and just this morning ari, myself and megatron took our respective guitar, harmonica and dancing shoes to a montessori style orphanage for abandoned or HIV positive children and rocked out so hard I nearly passed out from heatstroke. while the little rugrats were excellent dancers, they couldn’t quite get the words right to “Heart of Gold,” but we’re optimistic about tomorrow. (maybe video to follow? methinks.)

finally, today I learned the kiswahili phrase “nimejihara” which, roughly translated, means “I diarrhea’d myself.” this was especially useful to me today because i did. as i glance to my right, my soiled chupies* hang disgracefully on the clothes line. humiliating? yes. priceless? damn straight.

*kiswahili for underpants

this duck was so ugly i couln't even finish my tea

this duck was so ugly i couln't even finish my tea

he may not have had teeth, but his sister lives in silverspring, md

he may not have had teeth, but his sister lives in silverspring, md

tires: 1 for $3, 2 for 5$

tires: 1 for $3, 2 for 5$

claudio was a man of many eyes

claudio was a man of many eyes

ethiopians love weighing americans

ethiopians love weighing americans

alex and megan befriend enormous, mutated african child

alex and megan befriend enormous, mutated african child

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10 Responses to “Lucy in Seattle with Diamonds”

  1. Mumm-Ra: The Ever-Living Says:

    They found the missing link while you were away. So Lucy is worthless at this point anyway. BTW i think i can properly caption the Ethiopians love weighting Americans picture: “That’s a HUGE b*itch!”

  2. Larry Bellman Says:

    I hear that Ororo Munroe gives excellent rosh!

  3. patrick Says:

    alex – pooping your pants after you learn not to is a right of passage many people do not achieve. it is the single most important step to becoming an adult.

    megan – keep up the steel veggie stomach. i also really enjoy the photo of your tall american self next to the lady weigh you. it seems like it must have been fascinating for you both.

    you both – it is rather amazing what you all are doing and i hope to take a stroll with yall somewhat soon!
    p.s. my latest excitement was camping in utah. while setting up camp i almost stepped on a baby rattlesnake but then we work it out and ended up have a great chill/intellectual conversation together.

  4. SJ Mazer Says:

    I laughed so hard I almost poo’d myself. oh dear sonny, you are so funny and clever. I trust that you’ll be teaching those little dancers some really good songs. More pix please of the locals, you, and Megan and Ari!
    Love Mom

  5. that ugly duckling may yet turn out to be an even uglier swan. I love and miss you both! hi ari!!

  6. THat DUCK reminds me of another DUCK… i was having trouble deciding whether the other DUCK was real or not. Megan may remember this… we happened upon it in Florida circa 2007ish while driving a giant gold truck. I think it had wings… [truck? DUCK?] maybe it was just visiting from AFRICA (the duck). 😦

  7. Uncle Fester Says:

    Your mutated child friend looks a lot like Ari, but with green feet.

    Dude-brah, Starscape is this weekend, you will be missed.

  8. Mommy Dearest Says:

    I found you, I am here…..I feel like I am the one traveling the world….. love to you both…… and Nicole…the giant gold truck is still on the road

  9. Red Snapper Says:

    I’m pretty sure many kittens were killed updating myself on your blahg.

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